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A Short Film About Trousers

One of my old English teachers, a fearsome Yorkshireman who had a temper as foul as that of a great cat you’d spent an hour flicking the left testicle of, said something once that has stuck with me for years. The class were reading a play about Dadaism, which may or may not have been set in Switzerland (I think it was called Travesties, or Tragedy or something, but it was one of those plays which was supposed to be funny, only you needed a York Notes book propped open next to you as you read it so you could find out when you’re supposed to laugh. A bit like Shakespeare, really), the main character was talking about a pair of trousers which may have ruined his acting career, or something along those lines.

I clearly paid a lot of attention throughout A-Level English Literature.

Anyway, whilst we were reading the part about the main character and his trousers, my English teacher, in between berating his pupils for forgetting homework or stumbling over their lines or surreptitiously trying to sneak a look at Sarah Johnson’s pert breasts, said about the lead character, “Yes, he’s obsessed with trousers, isn’t he. That’s because they’re an inherently funny item of clothing. Possibly the funniest item of all.” Though, because he was from Yorkshire, what he actually said was closer to “Aye, t’ trouser. Funniest piece of clothing ever, t’ pair of trousers were. And Knight, yer horrid boy, look at me, will yer, and not at t’ Johnson’s lovely breasts.”

The teacher then spent the better part of the lesson guffawingly trying to explain why trousers were inherently funny, much to the bemusement of much the entire class, who had by now, as one, shaken their heads at his Northern ways and returned to the desperately exciting Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament being played out at the rear of the classroom.

Now though, I think my teacher may have been right. As I have already shown, I do enjoy the removal of trousers for comedy reasons, but does removing them make the trouser the funniest item of clothing? And what about hats? The hat has been widely accepted as a terrific accessory, both fun-filled and devilishly attractive, but does it outweigh the trouser in the comedic stakes?

This was a poser. Hence, The Gentleman’s Handbook has commissioned a short film to determine, once and for all, if my old English teacher was correct or if he was speaking out one of the orifices the trouser helps clad.